Why we are who we are

 

In a world increasingly shaped by political, cultural, organisational and technological identities, the individual is often overlooked. Nigel Nicholson, Professor of Organisational Behaviour at London Business School, believes this neglect comes at a cost. Speaking to Katie Pisa, host of The Why Podcast, about his new book, Unique You: How Individuality Works and Why It Matters, Nigel argues that understanding how individuality works is not a philosophical indulgence but a practical necessity for leadership, relationships and the living in the age of artificial intelligence.

Beyond identity labels

“We all say we’re unique, but we don’t take it seriously enough,” Nigel says. Psychology has long prioritised averages, categories and group identities over the individual mind.

Nigel’s book is based on the Four Laws of Unique Individuality (UI), each one creating a moral imperative. First, no one like you has ever existed before, or will again. Second, we do not fully know ourselves, because much of what drives behaviour operates unconsciously. Third, we never fully know anyone else, and no one ever fully knows us, an idea he notes can feel unsettling. The fourth principle offers some redemption: despite this separateness, we are compelled to connect with others.

Modern life has intensified loneliness and anxiety. As traditional social ties and identities weaken, group identities can offer belonging, but they cannot resolve the deeper unease that comes from confronting our own individuality.

Ignoring individuality does not remove that loneliness, it instead disguises it. Taking individuality seriously, Nigel argues, is a necessary step towards more honest relationships, healthier organisations and a clearer understanding of who we are.

Living in different worlds

At the heart of Nigel’s thinking is the idea that each of us inhabits our own umwelt, our private world shaped by our biology and experiences. Even when people share a household, a culture or a language, they never fully share the same reality.

This helps explain why siblings raised in the same family often turn out so differently. Behavioural genetics shows that “shared experience” has surprisingly little impact on who we become. There’s no such thing as shared experience, Nigel says: “You may grow up in the same house, but you don’t grow up in the same world.”

Everyone must find their own way of telling their story, Nigel argues, and managing what he calls our inevitable “foibles”. Being authentic is less about presenting a polished or fixed self, and more about recognising the complexity of who we are and allowing others the same latitude.

Relationships without comparison

If individuality is real, it fundamentally changes how we think about relationships. Nigel warns against comparing our relationships with others’. “We idealise relationships in ways that are futile,” he argues, instead of focusing on the harder task of understanding the person, in front of us.